December 31, 2013


It started out hopeful but full of doubt,
weeks went by waiting for results that took too long,
once in my hands they weren't good,
with each letter heartbreak, 
with each heartbreak I sank.

When plans fall flat you get to re-evaluate, 
now you either face the fear or freeze.
So you face the fear,
and it's not as scary as you painted it,
soon you learn to live with it,
soon you learn to appreciate it,
and mostly learn from it.

Now I roam the city with new found streght,
and driving the old streets seems fresh,
enjoy the summer breeze,
and the activities I didn't have since I was eight,
he holds my hand now,
and I start to notice how life blooms when you're happy.

If I learnt something this year, it's to not let failure get to your heart. Despite the negative you're still you, every storm passes and if you're really lucky you can find someone to sail the rough waters with. 

December 16, 2013

a year ago

If someone told me a year ago that my life would be as it is now I wouldn't have believed it. Had a completely different scenario in mind, one that seemed appropriate then, now I can't even picture it. I've never been so happy, it's quite strange to be calm, peaceful and in a place where I finally belong.

If someone told me a year ago I'd be as I am now, I would've smiled in disbelief.

But I am here indeed and I'm happy, life is lovely and I'm thankful, because those roads that seemed perfect weren't, but got me to the exact place I needed.

the waltz

They were dancing a waltz to no song,
she counted the steps,
one, two, three, four,
he tripped once before,
kept trying but wasn't enough,
it didn't have to be perfect, 
they just had to endure,
one, two, three, four,
he ended giving up, 
it was time to let go,
but she kept on counting,
one, two, three, four,
and then she was dancing alone,
a waltz to no song.

the first month

The first month of many to come,
it went by fast,
it went by happy and wonderful, 
better than ever expected.

The first month of many to come, 
I could picture it now,
it didn't scare me anymore,
never thought I'd be this way before,
but he ignites a spark in me that only grows.

November 26, 2013


It's new,
for me and for you,
I'm glad I'm not like them at all,
I think you're glad too.

quite lovely

It's quite lovely to look back in life and realize that none of it was in vain, every action, every person, wrong or right lead you to this moment. I wouldn't change a thing, for you are holding my hand now.

November 4, 2013

our beginning

Sunday afternoon, over tea and perfect weather, we sat on that leather couch, that public spot we started calling ours, and I was ready, but words were never my thing so it came out wrong but you knew what I meant. And this couch that once saw us at our worst, got to see us at our best, it was our beginning. 

October 11, 2013

on fire

He set my soul on fire,
and I didn't want it to stop,
just let it consume all I've got.

who you were

He saw the light turn off,
what he once knew wasn't there anymore,
and it's funny how a memory,
or a ghost keeps hunting you down.

And there are times you don't want to talk,
not because you haven't moved on,
but because you remember who you were,
and you're not proud,
and you're not her anymore.

October 6, 2013

i wanted to kiss you

I wanted to kiss you, 
that night in the rain,
walking to the car,
trying to share the tiniest umbrella.

I wanted to kiss you back then,
when I had no license to do so,
when it didn't even cross your mind.

I wanted to kiss you so badly I bit my lip,
and asked you about her,
heard you talk all the way home,
and it was better than nothing at all.

how's the future holding up?

It's not uncertain now, I'm staying put, going to drive the same streets, arrive to the same office, classrooms and people. Not sure if this makes me happy or depressed, I'll find out on the way. Little surprises would be good, you know? Just for a change.

it makes me happy, most of the time.

still on my mind

Was he content with his life? Did he love his wife? Did he enjoy everytime she gave him news of being pregnant? Was he proud of his empire and what he accomplished? Did he play enough baseball? I recall he loved it. And lastly and painfully, was he ready to go?

October 5, 2013

let yourself

If you find yourself tripping then just let yourself fall.

September 3, 2013

the girl i am (negative)

Ended up this way for many reasons,
my parents, siblings, friends and strangers contributed,
so did my city and the cities I never went to.

I am a jealous, bitter being,
never forgetful, sometimes hurtful,
lazy and dry.
Will tear you up in my mind,
wish you no good luck, 
selfish and fearful person.
Liar for convenience,
repressed, silent yeller, 
punch a beanbag to let it go kind of person,
not competitive but sore loser, 

September 2, 2013

the girl i am (positive)

Ended up this way for many reasons,
parents, siblings, friends and strangers contributed,
so did my city and the cities I never went to.

I'm a kind, loyal, forgiving, peaceful Disney fan, 
baker, writer, sucker for books that make you cry,
promise and secret keeper, 
hugger, unicorn and happy ending lover,
charming when needed,
listener, curious, try it at least once kind of person, 
veggie lover since I was 3, 
sing in the car and the shower,
help you study, sometimes cupid, 
avid in finding music no one likes or knows about type of person.

August 30, 2013

kamikaze mission

What kind of person walks right into a bomb? 
A person who has never won nor lost,
one with no previous wounds 
or memories that prevent them from stepping in.

Someone like me.

August 25, 2013

feeling lucky

I feel his lips on mine now,
get to carry him with me,
I feel lucky.

August 11, 2013

the worn down running shoes

So with my imaginary torn down running shoes I heard them say "if you run from love then you've never felt it, those who have never run, they look for it." 

Guess I haven't been that lucky.

i tried

He said I didn't know how to make people feel special. I tried my best, I really did. 

July 30, 2013

our neutral conversations

Every now and then he felt the need to say hello to me, I always said hello back, deep down I still want to know what he's all about. It feels so unnatural, talking like we're stangers, like we don't have a past, no memories buried on our minds. Conversation is always short and well planned out, wouldn't want to ask the wrong thing. No, I won't ask about your new girlfriend, don't worry about it, we'll stay neutral, just for this moment.

the sheriff

Cheers to those who fall in love with no fear,
those who give it all,
surrender their guns,
and let themselves be targets.

I admire you,
I'm not so brave,
not brave at all,
I stick to my guns
and aim whoever starts walking the path to my heart,
it's sad and inevitable.

I'm the toughest sheriff in town.
Bang, bang my love,
sorry I had to put you down,
before you let me down.

July 24, 2013

the never ending

Days appear to be longer, I guess that's what happens when you keep to yourself. 

Mother said I look distant, there's nothing to explain.

July 18, 2013

the fighter

Turns out I don't have to fight. I'm quite alright, they say nothing to worry about. Good, I think. I didn't really know how to play a brave fighter.

And it sadly hits me that something in me wanted there to be something I could blame it all on, but it's nothing, no rescue device. I feel truly sorry for thinking this way.

it was me

It wasn't his fault,
never blamed him,
it was my brain and my heart
got involved too fast, 
believed it would be different this time.

You can call me dramatic but this meant something to me.

July 16, 2013

the wrong fit

You can love people who are wrong for you, if you're aware they're the wrong fit and go with it you're just lying to yourself, you know perfectly how it will end.

July 15, 2013

the anchor

Avoided this moment for so long,
I feel it leveling down, 
sinking slowly,
finding it's new permanent home.

Avoided this moment for so long,

now I can't run,
the anchor is settling,
the sand hugging it in place.

Now every decision seems heavy,
a house, a car, a person, 
triple anchor and I stand still,
let it sink in.

I've already sunken. 

July 12, 2013

my safety net

I'm tense and scared of everything, especially feelings. Maybe that's why I prefer people far far away, because distance is protection, distance is my safety net. 

not dead

I'm not dead inside,
I'm alive and well,
there are sparks within me,
so bright I quiet them down,
because they're mine
and I choose who to share them with.

You said people like me are dead inside,
but people like me are waiting,
and waiting, kind sir, is fine. 

June 29, 2013

the first boy who broke my heart

There were feelings in me before you, you weren't my first love but you were the first to ever break my heart in a way that couldn't be repaired. Reminiscing awakens the cracks, they've been here a while, they know me and I know them well. 

My dearest heartbreaker, I loved meeting you, loved seeing you walk into the classroom that first day of school, funny how I thought I was lucky because you changed classes and then there you were sitting next to me. I presumed it was destiny. It wasn't, but I was foolish back then. Somethings never change. 

Being friends was easy, I'm not even sure why. I can't remember what we used to talk about or if we even liked the same things but because of you I found my favorite band and for that I can never forget you.

Still remember the cold silence between us and the distant look you gave whenever our paths crossed, I can't think of a more painful way to walk around school but being invisible to that one person who used to be special without explanation. You were hot and cold and I should've known better than to let you back in my life, but good girls are hopeful and dreamy and positive and I wanted to believe. 

That last time, when you left for good I felt something inside break, never really got back to being who I was before you. I dreamt about you for a whole year, I swear your face was there every night. And I learned about emptyness and sadness and anxiety, the next years were a drag, I couldn't tell the day from the night. 

Years went by and we met at that party, we sat together and made small talk, so very polite like nothing ever happened. It's funny how you're completely unaware that those high school days, that yours words and lack of them transformed me into this being that I am now. 

June 25, 2013

talking in circles

I know, I know I talk in circles. I try but keep spewing riddles, forming perfect coils of words in the air, vanishing before he grasps the meaning of them. 

Circles of nonsense to him, circles of everything to me. 

June 15, 2013

mother nature

My blood is boiling with anger for the things you say and the things you don't, and for a second I want to forget it all, so I close my eyes and focus on the thunder and rain. Thank you mother nature for being my friend.

June 12, 2013

it's no surprise

He wanted to be loved but he didn't want to love back, it always happens, I wasn't surprised.

June 4, 2013

the worst kind of sadness

The worst kind of sadness is the one you get when you're fully aware you should be fine, you should feel perfect but somehow you can't. It's not a gradual deterioration, it hits you  all of sudden. 

I was fine, it was a normal day and then I could've sworn there was a hole in the middle of my chest where my heart used to belong, the void felt so deep it surpassed the depth of my body. 

Just an unexplicable emptyness.

June 3, 2013

oh honey

I have a feeling that his lips would taste like honey. I'm not sure why but in my mind his kiss would be lusciously sweet.

loud and clear

He felt the need to add the word "friend" with his goodbye, clearly setting the line of what we were. I heard you loud and clear. 

May 30, 2013

planned and approved

Did your heart sink saying those words like mine sank hearing you say them? Or were you just following your already planned and approved protocol?

May 24, 2013

the fallen birds

You are shooting two birds with one stone, I'm sure you didn't want to hurt any birds at all.

May 20, 2013

the romantic

It was equal parts funny and annoying, the boy wrote poems in foreign languages for a girl he couldn't even identify or name. He confused me for her twice, but he insisted in calling himself a romantic...

May 16, 2013

fixated on me

When his eyes were fixed on me I felt him observe the waves in my dark hair, the way my glasses sat on my nose, my lip shine being different from a day before, he noticed it all and just smiled.

sorry about your sleepless nights

It was late at night, I tried not to think of you since they say people can't sleep when someone is thinking about them and tomorrow you have to go to work.

May 14, 2013


The thing about addiction is you go back for a drop and the oceans pour in, making you drown underneath the waves.

three years later

Three years later and your name still makes me weak on my most composed day.
Three years later and I still wonder if it was me who shot us down.

April 23, 2013

not real

It felt real even if it wasn't. When you stop noticing the difference you're screwed.

the defining past

No matter how much I try to deny it and forget it, erase it from my memory, I can't. It doesn't matter that I've kept it a secret, I know and that's enough to haunt me forever. I'll always know I betrayed myself, I'll always know I was weak, I'll always know. My past defines me, it's still changing me whether I want it or not.

April 20, 2013

the night i wasn't invisible

He walked in shy, didn't know anyone around, he sat next to me and asked why I wasn't playing the game, "I'm awful", I confessed. His eyes fixated on me, such an usual feeling, he told me his story in less than 5 minutes and kept asking about me.

I wasn't invisible that day.

Not to him, his eyes kept locking with mine all night.

I wasn't invisible to him.

April 17, 2013

the eternal questions

Not here, not now,
not there, not then,
I never find the pieces to mend.

Not here, not there,
not now, not then,
can somebody please explain?

If not here, if not now, then when and where?

miles apart

These things never crossed his mind I'm sure, but they crossed mine everytime our eyes locked thousands of miles apart. I wasn't able to separate one from another. I felt intensly for those eyes, for that skin, for that mind. 

I yearned to meet him. 
I feared that same thing too.

April 7, 2013


I was thankful for my family, no one suffers your losses like they do, no one holds your hand to stand up like they do. They truly make everything better.

April 5, 2013


Sinking back,
back to the abyss of positive impossibility.
I drown looking up,
as I watch my murderer try to comple the deed,
never have seen such vicious eyes,
that hatred and doubt in anything else but a mirror.

March 25, 2013

the great days

You're going to be okay,
even more you're going to be great,
these days will be left behind.

You will smile and mean it everytime,
you will cry when it's needed (not every night),
accept the compliments without snarky remarks.

It's alright if you don't see it now,
I know it's foggy,
but eventually,
eventually you're going to be great.

they broke up

They finally broke up,
I'm not sure who had the last word,
it ended anyway,
it had been a long time coming. 

She lost him or she got rid of him,
but it doesn't mean I win.

March 19, 2013

the terrible

Asked if he was one of the bunch,
he was and it made me sound terrible,
I was terrible indeed, ill.
Contaminated by self doubt,
all you can do is destruct yourself. 

They were all my soldiers, 
helped shooting me down.

March 12, 2013

resilient material

Day by day the goodbye was easier than expected, the human heart is such resilient material, it seems we are driven to test it until it's about to break.

March 4, 2013

the stupid and childish

This is going to sound stupid and childish,
but I am stupid and childish so bear with me.

These feelings overwhelm me and I can't make them stop,
I try and try but they just won't go away,
it's silly, really, you shouldn't fall for complete stangers.

February 26, 2013

you were right

I didn't know you, you were right.
It wasn't up until the moment of goodbye
that I realized how much I shared of myself 
and how you always listened but never shared back.

I don't know how you treat your mom,
what you like for breakfast on a sunday morning, 
how do you cope with a storm,
your favorite color or song. 

I don't know what side of bed you like, 
your favorite snack, 
your most comfortable pants,
the recurring nightmares you had,
or even who broke your heart.

I know what you do,
although I don't understand,
I know where you live,
and that sideways smile.
I know you take the bus,
and you stay up late most of the time.

The things that I know are merely facts,
I don't know you,
you were right.

February 23, 2013

not the one

More than anything I wanted to be enough for you,
I wanted all the little details to fix themselves so we didn't have to worry,
it's clear now that even if the stars had alligned I wouldn't have been the one.

February 22, 2013

let it die

Maybe it's time to have some pride
and let the relationship die,
we rescued it plenty of times,
can't say we didn't try.

February 19, 2013

falling in love

Fell in love every day, not with him, not with myself either. Fell in love everyday with the world and the universe and those universes I never learned of. I fell for the invading ivy making its way and the shining moon that never missed a day.

February 14, 2013

the template

He became the template of everything I thought necessary in a man, minus the distance.

February 8, 2013

never tired

Some people never tire of hurting others.
Some people never tire of being hurt.


February 4, 2013

your new city

With each step you take the city unfolds just to fold you into the streets and the buildings, and into the snow which you hadn't seen before. It's cold outside but you still want to try, I admire you. Couple of weeks and you're settled in, that fear you felt before is now just a memory, if at all, now you think you belong.

live with it

When someone breaks a heart to pieces they should be aware.
I'm beyond saving, but I don't want you do to it to anybody else.

You destroyed me.
I thought you should know and live with it.

January 30, 2013

too much

I think too much about you for a person who is so far away,
too much about you for a person who I've never met,
too much about you for someone who doesn't care the same way,
I think I think too much about you, it's as simple as that.

January 28, 2013

you don't know me

I changed.
I'm not who I once was.
I'm no longer naive,
innocent and pleasing.
I found rage and sadness within me
they were hidden so well I wasn't even aware.
I acquired strenght, conviction and courage
that sometimes drowns me to myself.

You don't know me.
I'm still learning.

January 22, 2013

the sun and you

You feel just like the warmth of the sun on my skin on the hottest July afternoon.

January 19, 2013

can't win 'em all

You almost took a hold of what you've been wanting, you got to touch it, picture a life with it and then it faded away. Can't win them all they say, still you can't help but think you never won any at all. Eventually you'll forget the pain of what should've been, new dreams can and will replace old dreams my dear friend.

January 15, 2013


I wasn't afraid with him.
It was refreshing to be vulnerable
and desirable at the same time. 

the travel channel

I talked about his city as if he didn't know, of course he did, it was his, but I wanted to have a part too, maybe I wanted it a little too much.

January 4, 2013

the last bus

Pushing papers, 
rushing into the night, 
he rides the last bus back home, 
I hope he thinks of me
as he watches the city pass by.

January 3, 2013

the awkward

The awkward moments with you mean everything to me.