the decision

And when you make the decision, think wisely, you don't just choose the person, you choose who you are when you're with that person. 

survival mode

What I feared the most was being encountered with those unresolved feelings. It was no one's job but mine and I had been so good at dodging the bullets, but staring down the barrel there's nowhere to run. I have to face the sentiment, the beating heart, the spiraling, the anger, the sadness of it all. 

I made the right choices back then, still, I'm not who I wanted to be, who I thought I'd become once I escaped and it made me wonder. 

the problem with birthdays

 It didn't seem like a problem until a couple of days ago, then something snapped, I realized how old I was going to be and although I've never shied away from a number on a cake, became acutely aware of what I envisioned for myself at 34 and acutely aware of the miles of distance between who I am and who I always thought I'd be by now. 

It's not anyone's fault, just false expectations and a sense of being able to plan life as we want. A total lie. I'm alright in general, a work in progress, making teeny tiny steps into what I want. Actually, scratch that. Making teeny tiny steps into understanding who I've always been. 

vulnerability

Funny thing is, I wanted to share my stories and I wanted people to read them, maybe relate to something, make us connect but I didn't want the people around me to do so. 

Why don't I care about baring my soul to perfect stangers? And why am I terrified of being vulnerable with those closest to me? Those are the questions I'm trying to answer. 

i do

A bigger love than I thought I was capable of. You surprise yourself, with what you are willing to do for that someone. How little what everyone else thinks matters. How all the right people see exactly why it's right. 

And even the most perfect person for the position won't make it easy, because it's not supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be real, to be a balance, to be an everyday choice. And I do, I do choose you, through rain and sushine. 

the million drafts

 I abandoned this place, I just stopped looking back at everything I ever felt and decided to write down, as if that would leave me with a clean slate. It didn't. Everything I ever experienced made me who I am today, and I never leave myself. So, I'm back at it and I have a million drafts from the years before and a million words tangled in my head.

the colorful calmness

It was the simplest thing, air balloons in a wide open space. Hundreds of colors in the sky and I just sat there on that empty soda box and looked up. Blue, red, yellow, green, white, purple, pink and all the combinations possible. You hear as they fuel it up, the flame makes such a distinct sound, the calmness begins. 

2018

Almost half of the year gone by and I didn't dare post my wishes for 2018, I thought about them carefully and I just couldn't commit to carry such a heavy list with me knowing I'd get caught up in something and forget it all. 

I realize that thinking that just a change in the calendar year will change our lives is silly,  but it's also hopeful. So here I am, with almost half of the year gone by re-thinking what 2018 means to me. 

another sleepless night

Middle of the night,

a sleepless one,

went outside,

sat on the ground,

it was so dark,

could barely make up a few stars.

Then that cloud went away,

the moon was shining,

like the chesire cat smile,

it grounded me,

I felt the roots grow from under me,

and I was starting be alright.

I was going to be alright. 

one more year

Close to completing another round around the sun, it felt like a mere instant, not 365 days for sure. I double checked the calendar, I brushed away the "your birthday is coming up soon" comments, I didn't buy myself that present my mom asked me to buy. And still the date is right around the corner. 

the times we miss

I had to wake up every morning, look in the mirror and tell myself that I could do it, that I had what was needed and that I could conquer it all. You never think you'll have to take such measures, but damn, anxiety and self-doubt will increase by a ton those last months. It doesn't help being alone, but alone is all you want to be. Conflicting times, yet they will be truly missed.

the good wishes

He said this would be my year and that I should enjoy it. Such simple words yet they filled my heart with joy and comfort. Isn't it lovely when someone, anyone, predicts good things for you? Even if they can't control it, the simple thought makes it all better. 

where do I go when I go

Drove all the way back home in silence, didn't even care to turn the radio on. It was such a trance I didn't notice until I was two minutes away. Didn't think of anything at all, I just wasn't there. Still trying to figure out where I go when I go. 

the go getter

I never thought I could, but I did and it made me feel powerful and strong. Like if I could do this, I could do anything at all. 

the end of october

October was ending,
it went by so fast,
it went by so slow,
it went by without me being really there at all.

it wasn't home

I did get to miss those mountains again,
this time I felt a hole in my chest,
and the new place was wonderful,
beautiful buildings, green everywhere,
but it wasn't home.

it all fades away

It would've been nice to have been told that fear is greater in the anticipatory moments and once you're doing whatever you feared, it all fades away. Sometimes you even go through it and forget what it was that terrified you so much.

if I could be softer

My words always sounded harsher than I meant them out to be. I hurt people unwillingly and I don't realize it until the words have left me. I could see the look in their eyes. If I could be softer I would be, believe me. I'm sorry.

dream new dreams

And then just like that dreams become memories and we're sent off again to dream new dreams.

it came true

Truth is I always wanted it to be you. 
I hoped for it, but didn't think it would come true.