the decision

And when you make the decision, think wisely, you don't just choose the person, you choose who you are when you're with that person. 

survival mode

What I feared the most was being encountered with those unresolved feelings. It was no one's job but mine and I had been so good at dodging the bullets, but staring down the barrel there's nowhere to run. I have to face the sentiment, the beating heart, the spiraling, the anger, the sadness of it all. 

I made the right choices back then, still, I'm not who I wanted to be, who I thought I'd become once I escaped and it made me wonder. 

the problem with birthdays

 It didn't seem like a problem until a couple of days ago, then something snapped, I realized how old I was going to be and although I've never shied away from a number on a cake, became acutely aware of what I envisioned for myself at 34 and acutely aware of the miles of distance between who I am and who I always thought I'd be by now. 

It's not anyone's fault, just false expectations and a sense of being able to plan life as we want. A total lie. I'm alright in general, a work in progress, making teeny tiny steps into what I want. Actually, scratch that. Making teeny tiny steps into understanding who I've always been. 

vulnerability

Funny thing is, I wanted to share my stories and I wanted people to read them, maybe relate to something, make us connect but I didn't want the people around me to do so. 

Why don't I care about baring my soul to perfect stangers? And why am I terrified of being vulnerable with those closest to me? Those are the questions I'm trying to answer. 

i do

A bigger love than I thought I was capable of. You surprise yourself, with what you are willing to do for that someone. How little what everyone else thinks matters. How all the right people see exactly why it's right. 

And even the most perfect person for the position won't make it easy, because it's not supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be real, to be a balance, to be an everyday choice. And I do, I do choose you, through rain and sushine. 

the million drafts

 I abandoned this place, I just stopped looking back at everything I ever felt and decided to write down, as if that would leave me with a clean slate. It didn't. Everything I ever experienced made me who I am today, and I never leave myself. So, I'm back at it and I have a million drafts from the years before and a million words tangled in my head.

the colorful calmness

It was the simplest thing, air balloons in a wide open space. Hundreds of colors in the sky and I just sat there on that empty soda box and looked up. Blue, red, yellow, green, white, purple, pink and all the combinations possible. You hear as they fuel it up, the flame makes such a distinct sound, the calmness begins. 

2018

Almost half of the year gone by and I didn't dare post my wishes for 2018, I thought about them carefully and I just couldn't commit to carry such a heavy list with me knowing I'd get caught up in something and forget it all. 

I realize that thinking that just a change in the calendar year will change our lives is silly,  but it's also hopeful. So here I am, with almost half of the year gone by re-thinking what 2018 means to me.