June 29, 2013

the first boy who broke my heart

There were feelings in me before you, you weren't my first love but you were the first to ever break my heart in a way that couldn't be repaired. Reminiscing awakens the cracks, they've been here a while, they know me and I know them well. 

My dearest heartbreaker, I loved meeting you, loved seeing you walk into the classroom that first day of school, funny how I thought I was lucky because you changed classes and then there you were sitting next to me. I presumed it was destiny. It wasn't, but I was foolish back then. Somethings never change. 

Being friends was easy, I'm not even sure why. I can't remember what we used to talk about or if we even liked the same things but because of you I found my favorite band and for that I can never forget you.

Still remember the cold silence between us and the distant look you gave whenever our paths crossed, I can't think of a more painful way to walk around school but being invisible to that one person who used to be special without explanation. You were hot and cold and I should've known better than to let you back in my life, but good girls are hopeful and dreamy and positive and I wanted to believe. 

That last time, when you left for good I felt something inside break, never really got back to being who I was before you. I dreamt about you for a whole year, I swear your face was there every night. And I learned about emptyness and sadness and anxiety, the next years were a drag, I couldn't tell the day from the night. 

Years went by and we met at that party, we sat together and made small talk, so very polite like nothing ever happened. It's funny how you're completely unaware that those high school days, that yours words and lack of them transformed me into this being that I am now. 

June 25, 2013

talking in circles

I know, I know I talk in circles. I try but keep spewing riddles, forming perfect coils of words in the air, vanishing before he grasps the meaning of them. 

Circles of nonsense to him, circles of everything to me. 

June 15, 2013

mother nature

My blood is boiling with anger for the things you say and the things you don't, and for a second I want to forget it all, so I close my eyes and focus on the thunder and rain. Thank you mother nature for being my friend.

June 12, 2013

it's no surprise

He wanted to be loved but he didn't want to love back, it always happens, I wasn't surprised.

June 4, 2013

the worst kind of sadness

The worst kind of sadness is the one you get when you're fully aware you should be fine, you should feel perfect but somehow you can't. It's not a gradual deterioration, it hits you  all of sudden. 

I was fine, it was a normal day and then I could've sworn there was a hole in the middle of my chest where my heart used to belong, the void felt so deep it surpassed the depth of my body. 

Just an unexplicable emptyness.

June 3, 2013

oh honey

I have a feeling that his lips would taste like honey. I'm not sure why but in my mind his kiss would be lusciously sweet.

loud and clear

He felt the need to add the word "friend" with his goodbye, clearly setting the line of what we were. I heard you loud and clear.